Always Been
by wildknees
Summary: Renly is uncertain about their future together once Loras is knighted.


**"Always Been"**

Loras' face was flushed with exhaustion from the all-night vigil, but his eyes were bright and the smile had not left his face since the ceremony ended. He'd changed out of the rough woolen tunic into his feast clothes, though his feet were still bare, and still bloodied and bruised from the barefoot walk through the city. The sight made Renly's stomach drop for more than one reason.

He'd known that the day when Loras left his care as a squire and became a knight would come eventually, and he'd known that Loras would get there sooner than most. He just hadn't realized how quickly the time had passed.

Loras, who had been dreaming of this day ever since he could hold a stick, was near giddy that it had finally come. He couldn't sit still it seemed, moving from the window, to sit on the bed next to Renly, then to the table by the door, grinning the whole time.

"A toast!" he announced happily as he uncorked a cask of wine. He filled a goblet and took a drink, flashing a coy smile over the rim as he sauntered back across the room to seat himself in Renly's lap.

Renly wrapped an arm around Loras' waist even as Loras pressed the goblet into his hand and encouraged him to drink. It was a sweet red from the Reach, one of Loras' favorites. Renly could still remember tasting it on Loras' lips the first time they kissed. The memory made something tug in his chest, sweet and painful all at once. He set the goblet aside.

The oddity of the gesture did not go unnoticed by Loras. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Not a thing," Renly answered, putting on a smile. Loras gave him a curious look, and Renly cupped his chin to tilt him into a kiss. "I want you to keep these moments in your mind, is all," he said.

"Why?"

"Because things change."

Loras frowned. "You're acting strange..."

"I'm not," Renly insisted, "Just, you're a knight now." He smoothed his hand up Loras' side, over the fine silk of his doublet. Just yesterday, before donning the undyed wool tunic, he'd been garbed in black and yellow as he served as a Baratheon squire. Now he was dressed in his own colors, green and gold for House Tyrell. He looked magnificent, but even so... "Your own man. Free to make your own choices, and go your own way."

It dawned on Loras then, and he let out an annoyed huff. "You think things will change between us now that I'm no longer your squire," he said, as if it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

Renly smiled sadly, wanting to kiss away that furrow in Loras' brow just as he had a hundred times before. "Everything changes," he said.

"My title has changed. The way I feel for you has not changed, and _will not_ change."

"I'm happy to hear you say it. The time we've spent together... it's meant so much to me, my love, and whatever happens, I want you to know-"

"You don't believe me," Loras said sharply and on the edge of annoyance.

Loras had always been adamant in his affections, refusing to let Renly believe that Loras loved him any less than with all his being. Even now Renly did not doubt his true feelings, but time changed all things no matter how strong they might seem in the moment.

"No, I do. I'm not saying that it will happen today, or tomorrow. But." Already their future was uncertain. Loras would be returning to Highgarden with his family that had come for the occasion, and where would he go after that? He said he intended to return to King's Landing, but there were so many options. "You're only fourteen. You do not know all there is to know."

"Nor do you," Loras countered.

Smiling sadly again, Renly leaned in for another kiss, only to find Loras completely unresponsive. His lips stayed pressed tight together and he was still frowning when Renly pulled back.

Renly sighed, realizing that Loras would not accept this truth easily, and it would take some persuasion to make him understand. "My love, there's nothing that would make me happier than if we could carry on forever as we have been. But everything change-"

"Some things _don't_," Loras said, now near scowling. He let out an annoyed sigh, then took Renly's face in his hands to run his thumb over the thin white scar just above Renly's eyebrow. It was small, the flesh only raised slightly, and barely noticeable if one was not looking for it. "This here, this scar. Do you remember when I gave it to you?"

A true smile came to Renly's face for the first time in what felt like days. "I'll never forget. The first day you arrived at Storm's End I took you to the practice yard and challenged you to a duel. Everyone I'd practiced with before had been too afraid to hit the lord of the Stormlands, and they all held back when I sparred with them."

"I didn't," Loras said smugly.

"You didn't. You cracked me right over the head with your wooden sword." Renly chuckled at the memory. "I think I fell in love with you right that moment."

Again Loras ran a finger over Renly's eyebrow, gazing at him with fond intentness. "And the scar. Has it changed since I gave it to you?"

Renly tried not to sigh as he realized what Loras was implying. It was a sentimental notion, though not one that held much weight in the real turn of events. "Well, no. It's just the same," he agreed reluctantly.

"_Wrong,_" Loras said at once, startling Renly. "It has changed. The wound closed and then healed, and then the scar faded from red to white. But _here,_" and he laid his hand over Renly's heart, "it's always been the same."

Renly gazed down at Loras' hand on his chest. He thought he'd known the point Loras was making with the scar, that it was a permanent mark on his skin that would always be there no matter what else of Renly changed, but that was not what he had expected.

An inexplicable feeling welled up inside him as he stared down at Loras' hand resting warm over his heart. Time changed all things, it was true. Even a lingering scar changed as the years passed, but it was not the scar that mattered. He'd said it himself that he'd fallen in love with Loras that moment. After the weeks and years that had passed since that day, there was no way to deny that he still felt that love as strongly as ever.

"Has it not?" Loras asked softly, and Renly nodded. He could not find the words to speak. He laid his hand over Loras' to hold it closer, sure that Loras could feel the truth of it in every beat of his heart.

"Since the day you met me. That's a long time to love someone."

"It is," Renly agreed.

"Yet it has not changed."

Renly swallowed. "It's grown. But it has not changed."

He drew Loras closer to him in his lap, laying his head on Loras' shoulder and taking comfort in the way they fit together so perfectly. He could smell the Seven Oils on Loras' skin from the ceremony, but their heavy scent did not unsettle him as it did earlier, did not hold the weight that Renly thought they could. The weight that truly mattered was the one settled in his lap, and he had always fit there perfectly.

"You're an absolute idiot, you know that?" Loras said, smiling now. "Things change, of course things change, but there are some things that will always be the same. I ought to hit you over the head again to knock some sense into you."

Renly let out a soft laugh against his neck. "I think I need it," he said.

Once more Loras drew back to take Renly's face into his hands, gold-brown eyes warm as he smiled down at him. "I'll tell you instead, since you don't seem to be able to get it through your head. I'll love you until the day I die, and there's nothing you can do about it. No matter which stupid ideas you get in your head, no matter how often you whine and complain, no matter how terribly you snore, I'll love you through all of it. I'll love you even when you're as fat as Robert and as bald as Stannis."

Renly cringed at the horrific mental image of himself. "_Ugh,_ why would you say such a thing?"

"Because it's _true,_" Loras said, laughing as he bent to kiss Renly again. "Whatever my title is, whether we're together or apart, I'll love you just the same. That's what's put you into such a melodramatic mood, isn't it? You're already lonely with me returning to Highgarden. I'll be gone one month, maybe two. You can't bear to be without me even for that long?"

That had been how it started. Thinking of the impending time they would spend apart, of a month without anyone to trade lazy kisses with, a month of sleeping in his bed alone and waking up in the morning with no one to share his dreams, had weighed on Renly's mind more heavily than he'd like to admit. "I can _bear_ it. But I'll hate every moment of it, and think of you constantly."

Loras' fingers carded through his hair to tenderly stroke it back from his forehead. "Then you'll have to show me just how much you missed me when I return."

Renly chuckled as he tugged Loras closer, relishing in the warmth from his body. After only a few minutes of sharing his worries with Loras, he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Of course Loras would return. _Forever,_ was what Loras had told him once, and Renly had never known Loras to do anything halfway.

"I'm sorry for being so stupid," Renly murmured, "I just... you're everything to me, Loras. I care about you so much..."

"Hush. You don't need to say it. I'm not a _tremendous idiot_ who needs to be told what is so clear right in front of me."

Laughing, Renly nuzzled in closer against Loras' neck, letting his lips brush the skin this time. The scent of the anointing oils was fading, and under it was the familiar rose perfume Loras always wore and the scent of his skin.

"_Though,_" Loras said, smiling, "I should like to hear it just the same."


End file.
